with the small waterfall

Now in my 20s, I'm not waiting for some life-changing epiphany. Growing up, the reasons I chose to shave (rather short wedding dresses obsessively) were simple and had roots in the unhealthy ways I viewed my body. Shaving is a personal choice that should not be determined by any other standards but my own. I am committed to unlearning these old standards, not by completely chucking shaving but by switching things up. I want to disassociate myself from feeling obligated to shave for the gaze of others. So, I've decided to indulge in the lax habit of not shaving as much and opt for other grooming practices like trimming, and even using armpit masks to keep funk at bay and detox. I've been maintaining this for a couple of months — feeling completely liberated — and honestly, the process, while super experimental, has been fun.

I'm learning that other people's opinions on my body hair should not skew how I view myself. Sheltering in place has pushed me to confront and tight homecoming dresses challenge the insecurities that seep into my beauty routine and thoughts. What I do for maintenance should always center my wants and nobody else's. While quarantine has been tough on all of us in a multitude of ways, I really love how it's allowed me to sit and think about how I navigate my everyday life, what affects it, and how I can improve myself for the better.

I can feel your heartache and hear you crying. I want to take your pain away, but I know you have to process the suddenness of my departure. I know it takes time. I hope my words help you heal, at least a little.

Yes, I did send you some messages to you. You didn’t notice them all, but don’t worry. I will send more if you need them. I want you to know I’m okay. I’m free from my weak, old body. I’m free from pain and suffering. I’m simply, free.

Please don’t cry. I jewelry promise we’ll be together again one day. You know we’re all just stardust in different shapes and forms. One day you’re you and one day you’ll be part of something else and the same goes for me. We had a blessed connection this time around, but guess what? We’ve had this before. That’s why you knew I was the one for you when you first laid eyes on me so very long ago. You recognized that we already knew each other. You knew it in your heart.

We have been together many times before in different ways. Each time we’ve had a connection, whether it be mother and son, or dear friends, or any creature large or small. It didn’t matter our shape or exactly how we cared for each other. What mattered always was our heart-connection, and that never ends, ever. It continues on through time and space.

So that’s why when I tell you we will meet again, wedding flowers we will. We won’t have the same memories of our most recent life together, but the familiar tug in our hearts will help us recognize each other again.

I saw the shrine you put together for me. It’s very sweet. I even get my own table top. There are so many cards and flowers on it. It looks like you had to move some of them to another table!

I saw you take a pink votive candle out of its’ box yesterday morning and light it, just for me. You do it every day, don't you? I know you chose pink because of the color of my nose, right? I saw how you reached out and touched the small wooden box that contains my ashes, then you whispered; “Mama loves you,” as you said to me so many times during my life.

I love you, too, mama. I always will. Whatever shape or form or for however long we have, our love is infinite and our connection never ends. You can bank on that.